Dating Older Men: Are the 'Advantages' Real or Imagined?

WOW! I've only had the blog up a total of ONE day and I've already started to receive submissions for topics you guys want me to cover. Before we get on the older man topic, I must say thank you for coming to www.AskNess.com! Please post it on your facebook, twitter, tumblr, and blogs and feel free to e-mail the link around to men and women alike. I'm so excited that people are interested to read my opinion on matters of the heart :).

Now, back to the post...

Older men. I like them. In fact, I love them. But are the advantages of being with them real or something we conjure up in our minds? I would venture to say a little bit of both. Through my experiences and the experiences of those around me, being with an older man definitely has it's pluses.

For me, one of the big pros is that he is more secure in his career. Dealing with younger men who are still trying to find their way can often times be emotionally taxing on their mate. Mood swings, random lay-offs, and work-related frustrations always end up effecting your relationship and more often than not, the woman ends up being the first person attacked. Not to say that this NEVER happens with older men, but when a man is happy and confident in his position at his place of work, he doesn't bring as much baggage home with him. Also, an older man has already "proven" himself in the workplace so the missed sex-sessions, the canceled plans, the romantic dinners that end up in the fridge in tupperware, are less likely to happen.

Another great plus to being with an older man is that the sex is better. While I will say that maybe the stamina isn't as great as a youngin', the overall experience is definitely one to write home about. He takes his time, he knows what foreplay is and he KNOWS how to do it (i.e. "champion face" as my friend Terri calls it), and he understands that there are TWO people involved and it's important that we both get the O at the end. Maybe the session isn't as long as it is with a youngster, but I'd rather be completely satisfied after an hour session than frustrated and annoyed after 3 hours.

Tying into my first point about being secure in his career, it often means he's financially secure. While all of us ladies can claim we're "independent" and "self-sufficient" the truth is that we all want a man who can wine and dine us, throw us a couple hundreds for our hair, nails, and a new pair of shoes, etc. In my personal experience, I've found that older men want their women in tip top shape, so he's willing to cover that gym membership, that weekly threading appointment, and that bikini wax that you hate oh so very much.

More importantly, who doesn't love a man who's comfortable in his own skin? His walk, his mannerisms, his charisma...they all just scream, "I GOT THIS!"  Every woman wants to walk hand-in-hand with a man who she feels is confident and safe with. I believe it takes years and years of life experiences for men to get to a place where they are truly comfortable with themselves and who they are.  Women desire a man who's just that: a man. If I'm wearing the pants in the relationship, when do I have a chance to be a woman? As much as we are willing to help a young guy figure himself out, the truth is that we'd like to step into a relationship with someone who already knows what it means to be a man and a mate.

Now, of course there are some negatives to being with an older man. And for my personal relationships, these are often deal breakers. Maybe as I get older, these will have less significance for me, but for now I'm sticking to my standards.

The biggest "negative" is that he probably has kids. While having children is a blessings (blah, blah blah), most younger women are not looking to add "Mommy" to their CV quite yet. And that's only if the kid(s) actually like you. Oh and did we mention that other woman? You know, the one who can reach him at any time of the day or night, has clearance to show up at his house whenever (of course for only "kid" related matters) and who will in lots of cases make your relationship a living hell just because she can. While yes there are exceptions to every situation, what ISN'T an exception is that you will always be #2 in his book. A real father puts no one before his children, and most of us are not willing to settle into the #2 position.

Another downside to being with an older man is that he often has baggage. I purposely separated this point and the kids since I don't consider children "baggage". I'm talking about emotional baggage. The older he is, the more relationships he's been in. It sucks to be the next girlfriend after a man has had a terrible relationship, but can you imagine that being the case after 2..3...4 failed relationships? To call him jaded would be an understatement and dealing with his emotional roller coaster might throw you over the deep end. It could end up taking forever for him to get over his trust issues, and in some cases it's not worth the ordeal.

And then there's the whole family issue. I feel confident saying that my dad wouldn't be too pleased if I brought a man over for Labor Day who was the same age as him. Having them compare stories of being in the Korean war is probably not the best way to convince your family that this is the man for you. While I don't think most families would raise an eyebrow to a 4-6 year age difference, a 10 year (and up) age gap could be quite a lot. If I dated a man 10 years older than me, I'm confident my sister (who's about 10 years older than me) would suggest I find a younger brother or cousin of his to be with instead. Each family is different, but you may want to take that into account before you get serious with someone much older.

Obviously every man and every relationship is different. If you think being with an older man is what's best for you, then go ahead. I love an older man, but I also know that sometimes what they're offering and bringing to the table is NOT what I need. Figure out what works best for you and act accordingly.

"His Ex: When Too Much is Too Much"

So, you've been dating this guy for 4 months. He broke up with his ex about 4 months prior to meeting you. You were already feeling like you might be the rebound chick, until he introduced you to his closest friends, his mom and his Auntie May who makes the greatest peach cobbler you have ever tasted (more juice, less peaches). He told you the long and sad story about how and why him and his ex broke up, and while you feel bad that he had to endure such a woman, you can't help but say a silent prayer thanking the heavens for letting him have the experience so that he can truly 'appreciate' how fabulous you are. You're smooth sailing like the Isley Brothers, and confident that their relationship is over.

Or is it? 

Here's my top 5 signs that your man's ex is still very much in the picture:

1. Her contact number is still in his phone...and her momma's. Even though you're too ashamed and disappointed in yourself to ever admit it, you went thru his phone while he took that much needed shower after a way too intense game of basketball with his friends. His team barely scored and he got man-handled by the guy he constantly tells you is the most arrogant summamabitch he's ever met. You knew he'd be in the shower doing a play by play in his head, so you took it upon yourself to do the quick finger roll on his blackberry. You weren't really looking for it, but it's there. He's got you under "My Lady" but she's still in there as "The One". Before you can even get upset about it, you realize "The One's mom" is the next contact. You know you can't say anything since he'll make a scene about you going thru his phone, so when he comes out the shower and gives you the kiss of life, you play good girlfriend while secretly seething with anger and confusion. 

2. Her stuff is still at his house. While some might say this isn't a good enough reason to be listed, to me it's mandatory. Why? Well, do you leave trash in your house for weeks? months? No. If you wouldn't leave ground beef on your kitchen counter for weeks and weeks to mold and smell, why would a man let an ex's personal items collect dust around his house? Short of living out of state (in which case he needs to hit up the local FedEx counter), she should have come pick up her last few belongings before you and him made it official on facebook. I guarantee that if her stuff is still in his house, she's still everywhere else too (mind, heart, pants...).

3. She keeps showing up. His cousin's birthday party. The comment section of his sister's graduation pictures on facebook. That "guys only" poker night. The fight party for Mosley v. Mayweather. Yeah...every where. Granted, if they were in a long relationship or were childhood friends, there's going to be some overlap for a while...but no self-respecting woman continues to show up at events she knows her ex is going to be at...and possibly with his new chick. Oh, did we mention you weren't invited to any said events? Right....

4. You're Constantly Being Compared to Her. "I know you're lactose intolerant but (insert ex-gf name here) always made my eggs with milk." "(insert ex-gf name here) used to rub my back just like you do." "I thought (insert ex-gf name here) was the worst person to play phase 10 with, but you're even worst!" Ummm, if his only point of reference is the chick he's no longer supposedly having contact with, I would consider that a fire engine red flag. Even if you're doing it BETTER than she did, he shouldn't vocally be comparing every little thing you do to her. While I know it's probably common for people to do this initially, if it's been months since they broke up and you guys got together, he needs to keep his comparisons to himself.

5. Your Intution Says So. If you keep reading this blog, you'll know I rely heavily on my own intuition (better known as you're "inni mini"). We've all got it for a reason, and usually it's right on. Consider it a red flag (or at least a sign this issue is worth investigating further) if your inni mini is telling you something seems a bit shady.

I say if you've got like 3 out of the 5 going on in your life, you might want to have a sit down with your dude and see where his head is at. Just be prepared to walk away if the answer he gives isn't what you were hoping. Hate to say it, but you may end up being the rebound chick after all.

Thoughts?

Hello Blog World

Well, I've transitioned from "the homegirl with tons of insight" to "the chick to follow on twitter" to my very own blog dedicated to sharing my "gems for you to love by". Can't gaurantee that I'll post everyday, but I certainly will try. I was wondering if there were even enough topics for me to write about, and then realized that we're talking about relations between men and women...of course there are. My life alone gives me more than a year's worth of topics to cover, so I'm sure I'll be able to conjure up good topics daily (or something like that).

With that said, feel free to hit me up at the e-mail addy over here ----> if there's something specific you would like some advice or insight on (from my perspective). I guess I should make a disclaimer that clearly says I am not a therapist or have any formal training in these matters, just experience and a shoulder that's been a listening pad for far too many women AND men.

With that out the way...let's begin!